Over time, I have written articles for submission to The Onion, if only they would accept submissions! Here is one I am especially proud of:

Pedestrian Attempts to Navigate Sidewalk Filled with Parked Vehicles

Seattle’s West Queen Anne neighborhood SUV owners were shocked and appalled Saturday when they noticed a pedestrian try to walk down a public sidewalk filled with their parked vehicles. “It was truly unnerving,” said vehicle-owner Ed Varner, “to have this stranger lurking so closely to our rigs. Why, it’s like having your garage broken into!” Police chief Gil Finn agreed. “There was something not right about it, I must say. Not only did this pedestrian worry the vehicle owners, but the sidewalk was clearly impassable. Who knows what his incentive could have been to attempt such a stunt?”
The pedestrian, 80-year-old Merlin Oates, claimed he was on his way to the drug store to pick up his prescriptions. When asked why he didn’t drive, Merlin claimed that it was a nice day to walk, and the store was only three blocks away.
“Something has got to be done,” says Varner, who owns a Ford Explorer (which he parks on the planting strip), Chevy 2-ton pickup and Chrysler Sebring (both situated on the sidewalk), and Winnebago (parked on the street), as well as a bunch of crap in his garage. “My neighbors and I all are just humble, regular Joes who need a place to park our rigs. I’m buying a Hummer next week, but have no idea where I’m going to park it.”
Curiously, there is a vacant lot for sale, one block down from Varner’s house. Varner, however, is not interested in buying. “Why would I want to spend that kind of dough on land and property taxes, when I can have all the free vehicle storage I want on public land? Besides, I’ll be darned if I walk a whole block just to get to my rigs!”
Several neighbors agreed, and suggested that perhaps a toll could be initiated for pedestrians, such as Oates, who feel the need to navigate public thoroughfares.

Current Location: Tacoma
Current Mood: mischievous

Hi Everyone!

Yes, we lost, but it was a great game. I was around lots of friendly fans from both sides, and was dressed plenty warm. The seat was under the roof cover, as the guy who sold me the ticket said it was, and the view was fine. A Hawks fan next to me let me look through his binoculars for a while. I had hoofed it down from work, managed to grab a Bud, and climbed forever up to my seat. I made it just after kick off, and yes, it was snowing by then and getting bitter cold. I managed to get one more Bud, and then they cut off beer sales at half time, when I finally managed to grab a hot dog. In retrospect, I think I now know why they cut it off even earlier than their usual teetotalling time. Let me tell you; that food and drink was all I had for a long long time after that.

In fact, you no doubt have heard something about our weather by now. I don't know what's on the news, because I am just now getting up. Can you guess how long it took the bus to go from Seattle to Tacoma? Try again. After the game, the usual huge crowd of game fans were all gathered around the stop, wondering where all the buses were that usually came to pick up after a game. Finally one came. Then another. They were late. We were getting very cold. I finally packed onto the third one, and was one of them standing. Who cares, we were warm. As we inched our way on solid ice on the I-5 "parking lot", the realization grew on us that we were in for a very long ride. Hour after hour of the most surreal experience I've ever had. The ones in seats sacked out here and there, we occasionally wiped the steam off of the windows to try to see outside, waved to people in cars, also inching along next to us, and had occasional snippets of conversation and wry remarks, some of them very funny. The standers in front of me were two nice fellows, one from Sheboygan. Lots of nice folks in the seats around me too.

As the night wore on, we saw people leaving their cars to go pee, throwing a football around right on the highway, and more. The bus driver actually let some guys off to pee or smoke, and we were moving so slow they all managed to get back on. Later, we saw cars pulled over so the drivers could go to sleep until morning. At the interchanges we saw cars on the peripheral streets just stopped. Yes, we were trapped and it was excruciating, especially for us standers, but it was also just so eerily amazing, it was funny. Someone in the back somehow must have downloaded a song on a cell phone, because all of a sudden we heard "Hotel California". As in " . . . you can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave." We all appreciated that one. We also somehow came up with the thing from Gilligan, "a three hour tour", but then realized after three hours that it was going to be a lot longer than that. We spoke of eternity, and how the commute would be in the morning for those who had to deal with the leftover commute from the night before. That just cracked me up for some reason, but by then we were all kind of hallucinating anyway.

So anyway, we had boarded the bus around 10 p.m., and rolled into Tacoma Dome station at 3 a.m. That's right, five hours. I told my new family we should have a reunion--har! Naturally there were no city buses running at that hour, so I called Yellow Cab shortly before we got there and told them they might see if any drivers could make it to the Dome Station to pick up stranded people (like me). But it turns out the two nice fellows were going my way and had a Volvo parked at the station, so they gave me a ride. I got home around 4 a.m. Man am I glad I asked for today off, although I think it may be a snow day for most, anyway.

Still kind of groggy here. Don't think I'll get a whole lot done today.

Back to youse!

Current Location: Tacoma
Current Mood: sleepy